#if a depressed child follows your blog and sees you praising and making art and calling someone brave for KILLING HIMSLEF

[the-catboy-minyan]

a man has committed suicide, set himself on FIRE, BURNED HIMSELF ALIVE.

and people are making fanart.

what kind of dystopia are we living in?

[loplainlointhemorning]

DOING THE HARD WORK OF MAKING EVERYONE IN DORIAN GRAY LOOK LIKE A DICK EXCEPTING, WITH LIMITS, DORIAN GRAY

okay so I’ve read The Picture Of Dorian Gray three times and I plan to again after I finish a few more novels, so I consider myself knowledgeable enough both about the book AND about the fandom surrounding it to make this post. This has been kicking around in my head for YEARS, especially after getting into Velvet Goldmine and noting how that fandom treats Brian Slade, who’s basically a modern interpretation of the same character. I know a lot of people are jonesing for me to rag on Basil Hallward and I plan to, so fair warning to those of you who i know are obsessed with him.

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To start, a lot of people see Lord Henry as the only discernible “Villain” in the book(though the book really has no villain) and Basil as the put upon good guy. This description is somewhat fair. Lord Henry contributes a lot of Dorian’s toxic ideas and enables a LOT of his most self centered behavior, not to mention he gives him the book that inspires his worst deeds. He’s the person who makes it clear to him that youth, self gratification, and most importantly, beauty are all that matter in life. Basil, on the other hand, does his best to “counter” these ideas, though I personally would say his idea of countering amounts to nothing but passive aggressive, low energy disdain. Dorian is too wrapped up in Lord Henry to listen to reason, and eventually murders Basil in cold blood, allowing him to achieve a sort of tragic book character aura that makes him sympathetic.

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To put it simply, the general attitude towards these character dynamics is that Lord Henry is the Bad, Basil is the Good, and Dorian could’ve been good if Lord Henry would’ve let him be. I find this interpretation very surface level despite the relatability of Basil Hallward’s homosexual yearning and romantic struggles.

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But before we dissect Basil, let’s dissect his counterpart. Lord Henry, to start, is immediatley established as a vain and flippant dandy(which is true) because of his belief that beauty is the most valuable trait a person can possess. This is the first lesson that he gives Dorian: that his beauty is his power, that his youth is fleeting, and that life will be worthless once he’s lost the ability to appeal physically to others. However, while he is the first to say it frankly enough for Dorian to consciously understand it, he is NOT the first to communicate that to him. He is just one in a long line of many, as is Basil himself.

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Funnily enough, I would argue that of all the adult figures in Dorian’s life, Lord Henry is the MOST supportive of Dorian’s actual person, and I think it’s entirely natural that he became as attached to him as he did and may have less to do with Henry’s good looks and manipulation than we think. Nobody in his immediate circle of friends or family allows him to explore himself or form an opinion about the world that differs from their own- Except for Henry. It’s merely Dorian’s misfortune that the first person he meets who allows him to be a human being is a conceited asshole, but it follows the theme of Dorian’s life, which is that he is the avatar for older and more cowardly men. And in Lord Henry’s eyes, Dorian’s poetential is limitless. He’s happy to give him ideas and let him run wild, but can’t accept the responsibility of teaching him kindness or compassion or self-preservation, because that would make the spectacle less interesting. Lord Henry is using a 19-to-20 year old to live out his fantasy of what he wishes he could do- But he’s not really different from Basil in that respect.

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And now it is time.

Basil Hallward reminds me a lot of myself, so I feel like I understand his motivations. He’s a shy, earnest, secretive artist who doesn’t care much for anything besides doing his work and yearning while looking out over his garden. He’s upset by people like Lord Henry, who are the embodiment of the poet who lives what he cannot write, because he is the opposite: He creates, and therefore doesn’t have to live out, his fantasy worlds. Basil is repressed and mild mannered while Henry, to his intense jealousy, is more attractive, vivacious, and conversationally interesting- Which is most likely why he didn’t want to share him with Dorian, instead of the reason he gave, which was that Dorian’s pure personality would be tarnished. It’s quite obvious Basil has a crush. But I don’t believe he ever loved, or even truly cared for, Dorian himself.

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Allow me to explain: I have a whole blog of random pictures, mainly of other people, that I keep because I find those pictures striking in some sense. I don’t have an aesthetic theme, really: It’s just people who make me feel, or think, or see something a certain way. I have a pregnant wax figurine in there and old pictures of Marilyn Monroe- And I find both creatively interesting because of how they appear to me. What I’m getting at is I think Dorian Gray is to Basil what an art blog is to the average tumblr user. As David Bowie once said, there’s a difference between being in love and going on to love someone; And there is a difference between being fascinated with your muse and actually caring about the person beyond the projection.

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I think it’s extremely telling that before painting his portrait, Basil had an entire notebook dedicated to portraying Dorian as various mythical figures and heroes. I think it’s even more telling that when Basil DOES paint his portrait, he’s ashamed of it because it is a portrait of HIS soul, an admittance of his worship and idolatry. Dorian REPRESENTS something to Basil, and it’s fun to speculate on what: I believe he is the poster boy for all of Basil’s sexual and romantic fantasies, which he obviously finds shameful, woven together with the romantic escapism found in mythology. But it’s obvious from the start that Dorian is Not the virtuous young man that he wants him to be, and that those virtues are simply what Hallward believes Dorian should be like, as opposed to what he actually is.

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This is depressing, but what’s worse is that Dorian is aware of it, which is what actually inspired me to write this post. When he realizes his youth is fleeting, he accuses Basil of the truth, in a heartbreaking scene featuring this quote,

“Dorian Gray turned and looked at him. ‘I believe you would, Basil. You like your art better than your friends. I am no more to you than a green bronze figure. Hardly as much, I dare say.’ The painter stared in amazement. ‘Yes,’ He continued, I am less to you than your ivory Hermès or your silver Faun. You will like them always. How long will you like me? Till I have my first wrinkle, I suppose. I know, now, that when someone loses one’s good looks, whatever they may be, one loses everything. Your picture has taught me that. Lord Henry Wotton is perfectly right. Youth is the only thing worth having. When I find that I am growing old, I shall kill myself.’

Hallward turned pale, and caught his hand. ‘Dorian! Dorian!’ he cried, ‘don’t talk like that. I never had such a friend as you, and I shall never have such another. You are not jealous of material things, are you- you who are finer than all of them!”

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Lord Henry and Basil are nowhere near on the same moral level, but what’s tragic is that they, and everyone else, treat Dorian the same way- As their vicarious vessel. It’s just that Basil’s idea of what Dorian should be is A) Literal sainthood(as evidenced by the above quote), and B) Impossible to live up to, so therefore he seems to be the nicer guy. But it’s cruel to value anyone for what you can get from them, even if that thing is great art.

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In my opinion, the adult figures in Dorian’s life couldn’t give less of a shit about his true nature. His grandfather hated him and wanted nothing to do with him. Lord Henry is interested in seeing how far Dorian would go to do the things he can’t do because of his own cowardice. Basil expects him to be a storybook character, as do most people who came into contact with him. He was right to believe that his looks were the only thing anybody wanted from him because it’s the truth.

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To close, my personal interpretation of Dorian Gray is this: Dorian Gray was a neglected, naive child who became the fancy of two older men, both of whom were only concerned with using him as a fantasy and therefore both corrupted him for their own personal gain. This in no way excuses his actions, but I think it better explains them- And I think it condemns the people who ought to be condemned. Lord Henry was the person who played on his lack of self-worth to manipulate him, but Basil was the person who exacerbated that lack of self-worth in the first place. Basil wasn’t a good mentor(and DID NOT deserve to be his boyfriend). Henry wasn’t a good mentor. There was no good mentor- There was only Dorian, and the simple fact that people weren’t going to love him if he stopped being pretty. The person he became afterwards was someone of his own making- But the initially shy, praise-hungry, warped young boy who felt the need to become that person was both Basil and Henry’s creation.

[takealottodragmeawayfromreddie]

I don't give a fuck about your personal morality

If you're glad Tumblr is doing this just because "it won't affect you because you don't consume adult content", you're a selfish asshole. Don't compare this to the LJ and ff.net bullshit, this is not "I wanna see smutty art of my favs uwu" drama, there's people who get their food on their table with this platform. People who haven't hurt anyone and really depend on Tumblr to literally LIVE.

If you're super against sexual work because it's usually exploitation of people who aren't doing it voluntary, let me tell you Tumblr is probably the only place where sex-workers do it freelance and because they want to do it. So, yeah, bold of you to assume that licking Tumblr's ass on this censorship policy is the virtual equivalent of punching PIMPs and ruining their business. The only business this will ruin is the one that belongs to regular, innocent people. And if you oppose to sex-work not because it's abusive, but because you're "más papista que el papa" (like we would say down here), let me tell you that taking others' way of living away from them must be the least christian thing ever.

But if you still don't care, well, they're not the only people who will get hurt by this decision. A lot of porn blogs belong to people who can't express their sexuality freely in the place where they live, who deal with sex-related mental illness such as sexual repression, who are sexually frustated and can't do anything about it. For a lot of people, this new policy means giving up their only safe space to enjoy and embrace their sexuality.

How do I know this? Because I'm one of them. I have been dealing with my sexual repression for years. I might never have sex in real life because of how heavy it is. I developed anxiety, body dysmorphia and depression because of this. My body is just too weak to have sex (I could get really hurt if I did it wrong), I can't stand nudity and intimacy, and my germaphobia turns any activity involving body fluids into a nightmare.

Lately, my panic attacks have been getting worse. A bad experience with someone I loved but who was extremely toxic to me fucked me up completely. I stopped eating and I can't sleep at night.

My 18+ blog was the only place where I could express myself and feel better with myself. It was the only place where I could feel wanted. Just one follower's praise could change my day fully and make me think, even for just one second, that I deserved love and pleasure, that there was nothing wrong with my body and my head.

Now I'm going to lose all of that. I can't just move to another adult content platform. Have you ever been in one of those? Those are real hellsites. The only place where I knew I wouldn't run into something I didn't want to see, where I could talk and enjoy my body with respectful people who cared about my boundaries and encouraged my progress... it's Tumblr. And now I won't have it anymore.

Do you honestly think this will help? Then maybe you aren't old enough to be here at all. The only things that will happen are:

Pedos and other disgusting people will find more subtle ways of get their shit pass under the radar (and we'll probably run into them more unexpectedly.)

Sex-workers, artists and people who really need to express themselves sexually will lose their job/safe space.

Again, pedos and other disgusting people will probably move to another platform. A far less popular and far more private one, where they can share their shit without the fear of getting caught/exposed.

Without a safe mode around, you might run into gorey/triggering stuff, including the adult content that will unavoidably pass under the radar. (Monitoring and giving people the tools to keep sensitive content out of sensitive audience's eyes is always better than banning.)

People will start moving to other platforms. Even your favorite writer or artist who doesn't post adult content might shut down their blog to give Tumblr a middle finger. Fandom death itself.

Tumblr will lose one of the only things that made it different from any other social media platform.

So, yeah, if you go for the "lol this won't affect me" approach, you're a selfish person who needs to re-think a lot of stuffn If you think this will help any real life child/victim of sexual violence/forced sex-worker, I feel bad for you. If you think Tumblr is doing this for the users, you clearly haven't heard of the App Store drama and you're too pure for this world. And if you feel as angry/hurt as me with the difference that you have money, move to Pillowfort (it looks amazing) and donate to AO3.

Seriously, if you want to keep just one thing of this rant with you, donate to AO3. Even if it's just one dollar. They genuinely care for their users and try to protect their right to express themselves. Show them some fucking love.

Please reblog, share and get your shit together.

[welcometojoelsvoid]

My ocs explained: Voidverse

A friend of mine asked me to tell about my ocs, and since there a lot of them and this will be long and tumblr messages won't let me send the whole thing, so I decided to make a post dedicated to it.

This post won't have pictures of my ocs because I'm lazy, but if you're interested there's a tab on my blog called "My characters", which has their pictures and their tags.

So, to get the more complicated things cleared out, I have this group of characters I call the "alts", basically, they're alternate versions of myself. One is always based on an aspect of my personality, which I then turn into said alt. A new one is usually born whenever I make one for a new fandom or universe.

Ps. This isn't all of them, there are a few minor characters and wips that I left out because this would become waaayyyy longer than needed. These characters belong in a group I call the "Voidverse", which are the characters that I consider to be the main characters of this storyline (some of my ocs live in different realms and realities, etc). I might make another oc megapost about the other verses if you guys want.

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Classic the Demon (he/him), 24

My "main" alt, who is also my persona on the internet is called Classic the Demon (they all have nicknames since most of them usually share my name). Classic is kinda the leader of the alts, he's the one who usually gets to join a new verse if I haven't made a new alt specifically for that verse.

Classic's powers include telekinesis, teleportation, offensive spells and the summoning of a weapon (in this case; a sword) and a pair of wings. Classic has this so-called "pocket dimension" that he accesses via his magic. This dimension is where he stores a bunch of random stuff from clothing to food to sketchbooks. Also, because he's so extra, whenever he summons his sword he kinda swipes his right hand from left to right once while his sword materializes from dark energy, just for dramatic flair.

Like most demons, Classic is also capable of collecting souls through contracts, though Classic had "retired" from doing said contracts.

Classic was born in a Renaissance-era like time period in a small hidden village of demons. The village was very small with only a few houses and a post office. Classic's family consisted of Classic himself, his mother and father. Although his father had left when Classic was an infant for an unknown reason. Therefore Classic was solely raised by his mother.

Classic's only friends in the village was another boy his age named Eemeli and a person called "the Guard". The Guard lived at the edge of the small town, whose job was to protect it from the dangers of the grand forest right next to them. Classic looked up to the Guard, for she was one of the strongest people he knew. His favourite memory of her was when she fought a bear with her bare hands.

Eemeli, on the other hand, was an adventures child much like Classic, though not as reckless. He had a family of two (2) parents and four (4) siblings.

(But of course, because this is a character made by yours truly, there is a lot of edge and angst)

At the age of 13, Classic's village was attacked by a troupe of human soldiers. They burned the houses and slaughtered the people. With the help of his mother, he had survived. Classic had passed out during the attack and once he woke up he couldn't believe his eyes. Everything was destroyed and burnt to the ground, including the people he held so near and dear to his heart. Classic didn't know what to do, so he wandered aimlessly until he reached a town of humans. Traumatised and blinded by hate, he killed everyone and anyone he saw and when he reached the castle he stabbed the king to death with a dagger that had appeared in his hands, which would later on, as he got older, form into the dark sword that it is today.

Classic was "rescued" by a group of angels and was brought into their home in the sky. No, not heaven, but a floating island. He hadn't told them exactly what happened, not that he was all that able to because of the shock of it all. Though the angels did not press on the subject, clearly aware of his discomfort.

The family he was living with had one (1) child, Ale, a pink haired angel with greenish eyes. The two of them instantly became close friends and through that friendship considered each other siblings. Growing up in a community of angels as a demon was tough, but most of them were very accepting of Classic.

Though, with time he became restless. He wanted to go somewhere, do something. But he didn't know where nor what.

At the age of 19, Classic and Ale packed their bags and went to see the world. And through this adventure, they became face to face with Death, literally. On their adventure, Ale had been hurt severally and Classic in desperation tried with all his might to help them. He turned to soul stealing harvesting and contract work to earn currency, souls paid well with witches and faeries. Unfortunately, he couldn't earn enough in time or get any help. Ale had died of sickness and Classic ever since blamed himself.

His journey alone took him to many places, but he was always alone. Until he met a certain someone, but more about that later.

Classic himself is a cocky yet charming personality, not really in love with himself but absolutely adores praise and loves being in the spotlight (when he wants to, otherwise attention from a lot of people make him anxious). He's the one I made the most like myself, so ultimately he has the same issues; depression, anxiety, ADD and sociopathic tendencies. Of course, pretty much every alt have more or less these traits, some show them more, some don't.

He's a loyal friend and cares for his loved ones, good with a sword and has good problem-solving skills and critical thinking, but he lacks the sense of responsibility sometimes and gets very paranoid about not being good enough. He's very forgetful and has a hard time understanding complex things like math, geology and physics but has a talent for arts, language and philosophy. He's not in touch with his owns feelings but can tell when someone else is upset, anxious or lying. He's very unused to affection and compliments, often deeming himself not worthy of them but tries his best to stay positive.

Jojo (he/they), 23

Jojo is an easily excitable and reckless half-dead demon living in a post-apocalyptic setting. Jojo doesn't have magical abilities, though, they lost them alongside his horns and tail after committing suicide before he was brought back to life.

He likes brights colours, stuffed animals, motorcycles and most importantly; explosives.

Jojo had lost a part of their hearing and vision to a malfunctioning bomb, had been lucky that in a tight spot the last of his magical ability had protected all but a small portion of the side of his head, face and neck.

His left leg was lost in a fight. Jojo had seen a young girl being kidnapped, followed the kidnappers and fought them, rescuing the kidnapped children and losing his leg to an axe. This had happened before the war.

Even in crude conditions, Jojo believes that positivity can get you through anything. His blatant naïtivity can often cause him to trust the wrong people but make no mistake, Jojo is no fool and can quickly regain his composure and build up his walls. Jojo is a very social person and can easily get along with anyone, although can sometimes get a tad too excited and accidentally say and do something rather awkward. They always try to make up for hurt feeling, tough. Jojo is also big on taking risks and can often put themselves in dangerous situations.

As mentioned previously Jojo is a bomb fanatic and loves explosives and explosions. He taught himself to make his own bombs and frag launcher, many of which malfunctioned in various ways.

He doesn't remember much about his childhood, his memory fading alongside the scars on his body. He just remembers having a good family and he's fine with that. Jojo is also one of the only alts who drinks and smokes (they smoke pot, don't like cigarettes much). He's overall a pretty chill dude when he's not jumping from place to place and blowing stuff up.

He's also the one who shows the most clearly symptoms of ADHD.

He's a smart boy who's a bit clumsy sometimes.

A wholesome boy. A very sweet boy.

Invite him to every party because he's never been to one but really wants to. Good with kids, animals and knows how to make broccoli taste good. (Not good with elders and other fragile things that break easily)

10/10

282-J aka J/Jay (they/them), 22

282-J, the one that is actually not even a demon. 

J's power is "teleportation" via light. They can turn themselves into light particles and move a few meters to the direction of their choosing. So J cannot use this power in places without some kind of light source, though the illumination of a phone or TV, etc, is not enough. J also cannot move through solid matter, like walls and doors.

 J was born into "captivity" in a science lab (Oh, yes, it's "science labs are evil" trope time!). This science lab was fixated on mutants and mutation, so I relate J to the Marvel universe (because X-Men).

From birth J had lived in that facility, being experimented on every single day. Some weren't bad, like seeing how long of a distance J can teleport for example, but some are excruciating, as when J would go days without being fed or being locked in a dark and tight room for weeks, even months! It all took its toll on J's fragile body.

Once the lab crew injected an adrenaline type drug into J's bloodstream and locked him in a small room for three (3) days straight, when a staff member was sent to retrieve J's seemingly passed out body, they had bitten into the man's arm and in response got an elbow to the chest. J coughed up blood and couldn't breathe, actually passing out this time. When J woke up they were in their own room; padded, white walls and the one-way glass in front. J felt their own breath on their face and when J reached to touch their own face, they felt what seemed like a gas mask of sorts and tried to fumble with it to take it off. The voice from the speakers told that the gas mask had two (2) benefits; it restrained J from biting the staff again and it kept J, themselves, alive. Apparently one of J's lungs had received a lot of damage from the incident and the lab crew could not entirely fix it, so a special gas mask would have to do.

J is very timid and does not speak often nor raise their voice. They're very awkward in social situations and get overwhelmed by large groups of people and loud noises. Though J can be brave and courageous when they want to and they're also a quick thinker and rather clever.

Cappy the Capricorn (she/her), 300+

Ah, yes, Cappy the Capricorn- or Cappy the Zodiac demon. The one person you wouldn't invite to your family gatherings.

She is a Zodiac demon and her powers focus mostly on controlling the water element. Another skill of her's is knowing how to cut her own hair using seashells and other sharp objects found on the seafloor. She's a very calm person with a professional-seeming personality, but she can be a bit "inappropriate", so to say.

She's a siren-like creature and when underwater her legs turn into a fishtail. She very much enjoys tricking unsuspecting men into their tombs and seducing women into sleeping with her, though to the fair lass she shall do no harm (In other words; she's a lesbian). Her magic is very powerful, but she isn't a fighter- she doesn't want to waste her time on petty brawling. Although if not left alone when asked, she won't hesitate to use violence as her saviour.

Unfortunately, there isn't much to tell about her background, for it does not exist because I am a lazy sonovabitch who doesn't think through their characters' backstories.

But Cappy is not really that much of a "macho sex object with no personality" (I hope), for in actuality she's a real softy. She's all smooth and clever in seduction and all that sexy stuff, but when a cute girl compliments her, she blushes like crazy and gets all flustered. If she ever would develop a crush on some poor soul, that poor soul would have to deal with a very nervous and stuttering mountain sea goat.

From 1 to 10 I'd rate Cappy a 5/10 on the friendship scale. Not that she's an evil person or whatever, she just doesn't know how to properly act around people (living at the bottom of the sea for hundreds of years will do that to ya, I suppose...). She, however, is very supportive and helpful whenever the people she considers her friends are having a hard time (especially about their own appearance, she ain't having none of it).

The Voidkeeper (she/they), ???

The Voidkeeper, the eldest one- mostly because their age cannot be comprehended for it simultaneously does and does not exist.

The Voidkeeper is half-blind, half-death and selectively mute. She is also a sociopath and does not feel empathy nor sympathy (or feelings, at all).

And most important, they are dead. I mean no heartbeat, rotten insides, dried out blood kind of dead.

She was banished to what is called the Void when she committed suicide. See, demons cannot be killed, only trapped in artefacts or returned to the Underworld, but a demon has the ability to take their own life, but it is not without punishment. When a demon commits suicide they are banished and assigned to a task which they will carry out for the rest of eternity. This one was assigned to look after the Void, a fruitless task for it is empty and barren. The only thing that happens is that every millennia a new book appears in the Void to give some sort of entertainment to the Voidkeeper.

On very rare occasion a poor soul might accidentally either wander or be sent to the Void and it is the Voidkeeper's duty then forward to guide the wanderer where they were supposed to go. Every time something, or someone, appears in the Void the Voidkeeper is alerted by the soul stone they carry. This stone, as prompted by the name, is in a way the Voidkeeper's soul, which they cannot ever regain. It is their life source and their source of power. The Voidkeeper is not allowed to ever be violent, so the soul stone only grants them defensive powers. In this case the ability to heal and create protective forcefields.

The Voidkeeper cannot physically ever enter the realm of the living, but with the aide of someone very powerful, they are granted to walk amongst the living as a ghost of sorts. They, however, cannot be touched by the living.

The Voidkeeper is very silent and intelligent. They know more than you'd expect, but will never tell you what you want to know. Only what you need to know, which in itself is not much. She prefers to observe others as they go about their life whenever she isn't reading, other than that there isn't much to her.

Inquisitor Lotus Draqon (he/him), 23.5

The alt for the da:i fandom and my most recent alt.

He's very peculiar in the sense that he was born from the merged souls of Classic and a dragon called Jupiter. No one is sure how this happened but one-day Classic had disappeared. It took a long time to find where he was and the answer was very surprising.

Now with his soul living in as in another person's body, Classic was trapped in a frozen state in another pocket dimension with Jupiter. This meant that as long as Lotus was intact or alive, Classic would not himself be present and neither would Jupiter.

Classic's soul gave Lotus many of the abilities that he himself has, telekinesis, illusion magic, weapon and wing summoning, etc. And Lotus as a person is fairly similar to Classic, some of the differences being Lotus' dragon attributes; his scales, tail, the sword is rather different, bigger horns and bigger wings (and a bigger appetite).

Lotus is also more innocent leaning and shyer. And unlike Classic, isn't such a good swordsman (he gets better with time tho).

Similarly to Classic, Lotus isn't very independent and often depends a lot on the people around him for help and advice. They both also have a giant sweet tooth and love animals. And they both stutter, have trouble pronouncing some words and have motor and verbal ticks (whenever Lotus yawns, burps, gets excited, happy or is frightened he goes "woof!", Classic just makes weird demon noises. Their motor ticks are pretty much the same, twitchy hands, neck and whole damn body).

Though Lotus is more prone to seek out simulation, tapping his claws against a table, playing with his hair and tail and pressing his toe beans. Classic mostly plays with his hair and his shirt sometimes. Also because of dyslexia, they both often have jumbled words when speaking, though with Lotus it's stronger and for him, reading is harder. Lotus is more willing to take risks and go out on an adventure, he has very strong legs and wings that can carry him for hours. And in general Lotus' health is better than Classic's, he's learned to cope with his problems better and cares for himself more.

Also, laser pointers totally work on him.

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Now, let's get to the other characters in my verse.

Katy Huerta (she/her), 38-41

A retired Special Task Force agent called back on the field after suspicious and unknown signals had started appearing out of nowhere. They were most likely of a supernatural origin and agent Huerta was assigned on the job. Katy is a skilled and headstrong woman with experience with supernatural forces. As a young child, her body is shared by her and a power fire spirit. She can control fire and use it as a weapon, as well as turn into fire herself.

Turns out that classic had been causing waves of magic which turned to signals as he made his way to this world and travelled around it. At the time he was 19 years old. Katy wasn't sure how to approach him as she found him walking around abandoned buildings but she knew she couldn't kill or arrest him, he hadn't done anything wrong. So she took him in. Taught him, mentored him, took care of him. Katy doesn't have much knowledge about magic but she taught him how to use his sword, how to use his mind and how to use his heart. Classic would follow her around like a puppy, mostly because HQ didn't fully trust a demon to walk around by himself. They respected Katy a great deal, but we're very unsure of this decision. Katy didn't care, though, she was sure. Katy's heart is as big as her muscles and just as strong, she never gave up on that boy and she's glad she didn't. She found a lifelong friend and a trusted partner. She was like a mother to him.

Katy is what I like to call the "bridger", she's usually the bridge between the different universes and dimensions. I gave her full knowledge of the different alts, what they are and what they mean. Whenever there's a new alt, she informs the others and looks over the new one, deciding whether or not they should be cautious and stay away or if they can be invited to the "inner circle".

The day when Classic had his soul transferred and himself trapped was something Katy wasn't sure how to take action, she had no idea who "Lotus" was and what kind of alt they were (you can never know, even the nice sounding ones can be mean and the world they live in might not be able to handle Katy's presence). She took a risk and bridged into the world of Thedas to handle the situation.

Coraline Daniel (she/her), 65.5

The pretty typical vampire oc, I'd say.

Coraline is a carefree soul who enjoys being a mysterious shadow in the back of people's minds. One day she's here, another day she's gone. She doesn't burn in the sunlight but her powers weaken a lot, which includes mind control, teleportation and flight.

A true lady and a primadonna; never settles for second best, Coraline is a beauty and rarity and uses it to her advantage. Many people are slow to notice she's already sucking the blood out of their veins, her victims helplessly falling into her traps and under her spell. 

All except one.

Agent Katy Huerta; the STF's favourite puppet; a saviour; a righteous knight; a woman of high regard and the only one to catch Coraline's eye. She had been assigned to search for the reason behind recent murders (Coraline's doing, of course) and had successfully tracked the culprit down. Coraline was surprised that her normal tactics hadn't worked and this piqued her interest. Ever since their first meeting, they seemed to bump into each other quite often. It was a classic game of cat and mouse, with a lot more flirting though. And they both seemed to enjoy it.

Coraline could never trap her and she could never catch Coraline in return. Neither of them wanted to. Or did, but the meaning behind it had changed.

Katy would track the vampire to her next destination, catch her red-handed, they'd fight, steal kisses in between and Katy would watch her disappear into the night. It became routine, tradition. Routine was broken when Katy asked her for a date before she could run off again, caught by surprise but regaining composure Coraline accepted. Katy brought her a silver ring as a gift to their date, it was a simple gesture that meant something more to them both.

Akachi (they/them), 12

Akachi was found in Western-Africa, alone and unconscious in a cryochamber at an old hospital. The child was in a deep coma and appeared to have lizard-like attributes. Files showed that they were there because of an illness that threatened to take their life, but nothing else could be recovered.

The STF team took them back to America to take care of them, but no one was sure what should be done. Should they be given up for adoption? Surely that couldn't be safe for the child. Luckily STF's golden girl Katy Huerta stepped up to take care of the child, adopting them. The child's name is Akachi, was what she was told, they were found abandoned and appear to be intersex. And so the child was given in to her care. Once home, Classic had been very curious about the child. They decided to take care of Akachi together.

Back then Akachi had been just 4 years old and they didn't appear to have any memories before the hospital, so adapting wasn't the most difficult thing. Akachi is a gentle soul and a very curious child, very imaginative. Akachi was placed in a special program when starting school, normal school being a distant thought but they got there eventually.

Akachi is very excited about new things, very excited to learn and experience things. Although Katy tries to keep them away from tough adventures, sometimes by accident a certain demon cannot resist the puppy-eyes. Akachi is all too happy to meet new people, they always dream of having a big family and they do consider the alts to be family.

Elizabeth Hart aka Wolfy Heart (she/her), 27

Quite literally my oldest oc, I'm fairly sure that Wolfy was the first oc that I ever made and she's come such a long way since then.

Wolfy is the daughter of a rich German family, not that it matters but I'm just laying down random facts at this point, she grew up fairly similarly to everyone else though, she wasn't spoiled and her parents were very good at parenting and were decent people.

Wolfy is a very motherly person and takes care of her friends a lot, she loves socialising and cooking and is very good at playing the harp. She's very curious and blushes easily, she's very modest. She likes spending time with animals and children and is very creative and fashionable. She's compassionate and wants what's best for everyone, she's a little naïve in that sense.

Wolfy had been good friends with Katy (through a mutual friend) even before Classic came around. And Wolfy was more than happy to welcome him with open arms and warm cupcakes! Wolfy's also like an aunt to Akachi who she also welcomed with open arms and warm cupcakes.

Idk dudes I love Wolfy, she's been there for me through many years and seen some shit, she's amazing, she sometimes makes her own clothes and really likes turtles.

Quality werewolf, would bark again

Katja Storm aka Kstorm (mostly she/they but he is also fine), 30

Kstorm is also a very old character of mine (like Wolfy and Katy), she's been through many changes and I'm finally happy with where she is!

Kstorm is the oldest of (3) three children, she's half Spanish half Korean and she's a DJ and quite enjoys making music. I imagine her style is similar to Porter Robinson but maybe a bit more bass heavy (I just love Porter Robinson y'all)

She's dating a girl named Kayna (Kstorm calls her Kaykay uwu), who's best friends with Wolfy and by correlation, she got invited to the Cool Kids club B)

Kstorm herself is a witch and when Classic came around she got pretty excited (but like low-key, cuz she's cool like that), tbh Kstorm was a big help with assisting Classic to handle and control his magic. While Katy is very agitated about spreading the knowledge about bridging and the alts, but she trusts this group of people.

Kstorm doesn't go on adventures or jump through dimensions much, too busy working but she asks to get herbs and cool artefacts and talismans whenever the others do go.

Kstorm is a cool and collected person, she doesn't like drama and doesn't want to make a big deal out of things, especially if it isn't. She went to medical school to become a nurse before turning into a fulltime DJ and she often puts together charity events at the club she performs at. She's generally loved by her community, though there has been drama and people trying to ruin her name. She lost some of her fans after coming out as genderfluid and pansexual but regained a large following of very supportive followers and fans.

Taika (they/them), ???

Taika is a tall, cat-like forest spirit who came from a very monochrome and old realm, they came to the human realm to experience colour, loudness and life for what it could be.

They don't have a mouth (or nose) so they can't speak and when they were born their limbs were deformed so now they have prosthetic arms and legs (luckily the forest spirits are pretty handy).

Taika is a very innocent and optimistic creature, very curious about humans and other beings.

Taika especially loves a lot of what humans have created and relishes in their culture with loud music, dyed hair, ripped jeans and technology.

Now, Taika doesn't really belong in the Voidverse, but I love them so much that I had to mention them cuz they're literally so precious.

[mirceakitsune]

Aryion (Eka's Portal) is now purging users over COVID discussion

Some important clarification before we begin: I wanted this journal to be less of a mad rant and more of a much needed discussion, thus I'll be more calm and rational unlike my previous rants. I wasn't sure if I was going to talk about this but I felt I needed to, both to get it off my chest and to try sparking some debate over what the hell is going on on this planet. Please read and share this one especially if you care for freedom to speak. My goal isn't to point fingers at the website over how I was treated, but to raise awareness and address what's happening online and offline alike. I'll try to be balanced and describe what happened accurately, though of course this represents my own perspective.

Two days ago I was shocked by a completely unexpected decision by the admin of Eka's Portal to permanently ban me from the platform, after over 10 years of being an active user who never even dreamed of starting trouble there. It followed a blog I posted in the night of Joe Biden's inauguration. The reason for my ban wasn't any of the harsh things I said about that, despite my journal being a rather heated rant on society and politics: It came from one obscure sentence in the middle of the post, in which my only crime was to use the term "imaginary deadly pandemic". If anyone finds this surprising you read correctly: It was confirmed to be the cause, I was not informed of any other reason except for that particular sentence. To the satisfaction of those who see me as a heretic, I've been depressed baffled and even more deep in thought after this happened out of nowhere: It's a community I cared a lot about, followed art and spoke with friends on, and there are both artists I watched there and friends I spoke to who I may not be able to find elsewhere. Despite explaining this as well as what I'll say below to the admin, I'm still seen as someone who committed a capital crime by using those words; I won't reveal exact details from a private discussion without permission, but will say I felt addressed as someone who just committed a murder for which I'm irredeemable and deserve to be hung at the gallows.

Before I proceed let's clarify some things. First of all I don't deny that COVID exists in some form and there is some kind of pandemic going on; I didn't use the term "imaginary pandemic" but rather "imaginary DEADLY pandemic" as my intent was to address the apocalyptic hysteria surrounding this flu. I think anyone, especially among those who have doubts about what's happening, could easily find themselves using such a choice of words... I understand they weren't accurate and ideal, but they were no obscene crime that should terrify anyone in such a way nor warrant such an extreme reaction. I also shouldn't need to explain that a vent journal is something you write in a moment of distress to calm down: It's not a moment when people use the best choice of words and will carefully read everything they say before they say it, which to my knowledge isn't considered a crime and is something people generally do. Needless to say that sentence was in no way intended to tell people to do anything: In no form did I suggest anyone to not wear a mask, even to not get that vaccine despite having huge concerns about it and expressing them indirectly. The actual discussion was about the way COVID was added on top of racial justice as a means of dividing people between good and bad while controlling them through fear. Despite this I was accused of "spreading misinformation", a term that's recently become popular and is used to shut down people who have different opinions from the mainstream. I pledged that if I were unbanned, I would cease all social and political discussion on the site, to prevent any risk of such a thing happening again... despite even this I'm still considered someone who's sole purpose was to spread disinformation, despite such discussion taking place in secondary journals while my main reason for being there was community related stuff.

This event was a self fulfilling prophecy, which exemplified exactly the things I've been ranting about like a madman for the past months, which many surely thought I was exaggerating with: The rise of radicalism fueled by fear... which first started with things like racial justice or child safety, and is now doubled down by this pandemic story. Whether or not COVID-19 really is a public health crisis in secondary plane, what it is first and foremost is a social and political crisis! A rift is growing even faster dividing people between two categories: The chad mainstreamist who follows the science and is politically correct and a responsible citizen, versus the virgin conspiracist who thinks people in powerful positions aren't always right and is a fascist for disagreeing with what the mainstream declared is truth or justice. The first category has every social right that's still available to the general population, while the second needs to be "socially exterminated" because their beliefs make them a danger to others; You no longer matter as a person, the only thing that matters is if you're on our side or not! This is what's now being implemented by those who not long ago preached tolerance and being decent toward others no matter their beliefs.

COVID brought an existing freedom of speech crisis to a new level: We're at the stage where addressing a flu by the wrong pronouns can get you removed from a community you've been with for a third of your life. And I know what many will say: A private entity censoring you isn't the same thing as the government doing it. Which I fully agree with, government regulation is by far the scariest beast here! However this doesn't mean it's not a problem at all... it's a very big problem as many of us are recently learning: Literally anything you say, no matter how random or seemingly insignificant, puts you at great risk... to the point where it's practically unsafe to have any social conversation in any community you care about unless you're carefully going to say what everyone likes to hear. This is absolutely unhealthy, we live in a sick world and barely anyone even notices it... one that has NOTHING to do with the way I imagined modern society even 5 years ago let alone as I grew up. It's an unimaginable regression back into 1930's - 1960's era strictness: This is no free world, it's an "everyone in line" type of strict that mirrors Chinese if not North Korean mentality and social design, this abomination is a parody of hell itself.

I predict no one will escape being affected unless something is done to change course immediately. Certain people seem to think that because they're on the "good side" it's someone else's problem, only those who disagree with them have to suffer which is great from their perspective. Remember that the world is changing: Today the planet freaks out over COVID or racism... eventually those things will go away, and in their place new ones will be added by those who enjoy or need division: Racism will be replaced with some other ism... once people get bored of fearing COVID or everyone becomes immune to it, the medical industry will likely identify the new most aggressive virus in circulation and continue the trend with that... it's possible that entirely new controversies we can't even imagine now will be put in circulation. At some point it's going to be something you too no longer agree with: Once you dare to speak incorrectly of what the world decided, you'll be the next to see what it's like to be this lesser person who everyone treats like a leper that's plaguing others. Will you shut up and pretend to agree with everyone even if you don't, fearing that if you're outed as a "disagreer" you'll be the next to go?

Back to the issue at hand, from a perspective on how the internet works: Many people, including the creator of the practical internet Tim Berners Lee, agree that entities have too much power over individuals. If Google or Facebook or Twitter don't like you, you will be shut down and told to find another platform to migrate to, ignoring the fact that they're in limited supply and all suffer from the same issues often using the same criteria. Fandoms such as furries or vore fans suffer from this too at a smaller scale: If Dragoneer or someone he appointed moderator are having a bad day, good luck finding each of your favorite artists there on another art site... a problem that may be worse on Eka's Portal as it's also a big community but ran more directly by one admin, who in the past I praised but can now see their judgment is unbalanced and bound to harm some users. To me this indicates the internet was poorly designed... which makes some sense since until 5 years ago no one thought the web would need to resist an ideological onslaught that will infiltrate every community and make one half of the world turn against the other. For a long time I've dreamed of building a fully decentralized platform, which could act as both an art gallery and an alternative to Youtube and forums. Unfortunately I don't have the knowledge nor energy to make such a thing, though this experience has me thinking back to that plan... I should leave this one up to a future journal.

I feel like saying more but am unsure what I could possibly say any more. At this point part of me wants to go in full isolation: I expect this sort of thing to keep happening, and until it starts affecting even more people the majority won't realize how bad it's getting. I don't know to what extent I even want to create content any more... for who am I creating it, how worth it is the effort spend on every project, where can I even safely post it any more? I need to keep my Patreon going, but even there I barely make any income, and as of this month I can no longer use the money anyway since Payoneer is being a pest about agreeing to send a new card. I'll be honest: Part of me wants to try and end it again, you can't understand how much... I won't because I know it's wrong, plus I live with my mother who I don't want to put through more hardships. Some of us weren't meant to live on this world, I can tell you all this for a fact. If I had any idea it would be like this I'd have refused to be born on this Earth and experience this life even if it meant fighting the gods themselves! This world is irredeemable, I don't see it ever coming back from the low it's fallen to... if another giant meteor hit it would truly be an act of mercy to all.

[chemochronicles]

I am not alone. You are not alone. 9.18.17.

Ever since I was a little girl I've pictured a life for myself... One that resembled the life I was given. (Unfortunately for me, I was the spoiled youngest child of an upper middle class family, haha - talk about a reality check as a millennial living in expensive southern california!) That picture has changed as I have grown as a person, but it never strayed too far from the lives of everyone I've been surrounded by throughout life so far... I pictured my 25 year old self to be married (check!), travel often, with children that look like tiny adorable versions of us, a modern farmhouse, pretty flowing beach hair, a successful photography business, a lifestyle blog and the physical ability to care for the aforementioned list... I pictured myself having the strength and energy to lift my babies into my arms, to sew the cutest linen clothes for them, to teach them how to grow their own food on our homestead, and to build healthy and meaningful lives with their tiny growing hands. I picture myself pursuing my portrait photography business again. Creating fine art prints in my own studio that would create photos that remind parents why they get up in the morning. Making art that takes a mother's breath away when she sees it on her wall each morning and makes her feel things. Makes her grateful. I want my life to consist of working with my hands... showing up, living. Lately those things are pretty hard for me to do (show up and live, I mean).

"Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong." -2 Corinthians 12:8-10

The days are growing longer. I am weary. I don't want to complain, I am not angry with God. I know He has me here for a reason, He has my women's bible study going through the book of James this semester and I know that's no coincidence. I want to paint a picture for you what a day in my life looks like. NOT for your sympathy. NOT for your recognition or praises. FOR you. FOR you to be thankful for each little gift you've been given that you might be completely unaware of and are possibly wasting. (Like I did, before all of this) OR maybe this is for you, just to know that you're not the only one who's life isn't as cute and perfect as the  (probably insecure and depressed) people you follow on instagram! YOU ARE NOT ALONE. And neither am I. And with that said, I'm actively making an effort to be aware of MY gifts too. Life has been very hard so far, but I still have good things. And you do too. Let's not waste them by letting Satan distract our attention away from God's goodness.

In 2010, when I was diagnosed with aggressive leukemia at 19, I thought life was really hard. And it was... but honestly, when I look back at those three formative years that were taken captive by chemo, that was actually easier than dealing with my Chronic Graft vs Host Disease today. That season of cancer was preparing me for this... This slow...and steady... endurance.

It seems like each morning I wake up with new symptoms, each more scary and with more potential to be life threatening than the one before... I have no idea what my life will look like next month, or next year, or in 10 years if the Lord still has me living on this earth. Will I eventually need to be in a wheelchair from how this GVHD is effecting my muscles, and bones? Or carry around with me a supplemental oxygen tank for GVHD of the lungs? Will I need dentures from gum disease and tooth decay that this GVHD of the mouth has given me? Don't even get me started on the ramifications if any of those one things happened... let alone all of them. The emotional toll of living life in extreme dependence of God and everyone around me... The stress that would put on Caleb to live like that?? The potential.. the anxious thought and fear keeps me in prayer.without.ceasing. I'm learning, unfortunately, that those things do happen to some people with GVHD. Not everyone, but some! It's moving in that direction for me more than I expected (I didn't expect it at all. I expected the pretty picture that I painted for you earlier)... and I already know that if I don't continue doing physical therapy stretches on my mouth throughout the day I will lose the ability to speak and eat without a feeding tube.

I'm overwhelmed and out of breath (literally on the couch gasping for as I type this in "notes" on my iPhone... this symptom is new) I'm thankful to have the strength to attend church, but I miss being able to see my friends off in the distance, to hurry to them and to hug them without any physical struggle holding me back. I miss being able to smile at strangers and acquaintances without hesitating. Because of GVHD of the mucous membrane (that's the inside skin/all openings including the mouth/gums) I haven't been able to eat a normal meal without difficulty since June. And I haven't had a flavorful, spicy meal in 2 years. I'll likely need gum surgery and at least one tooth removed in the next few months, and I'm only less than 2 years past my transplant And that's only the mouth.. I also have this GVHD blister on my lip that won't go away, it's been there for two months and sometimes it will crack and randomly gushes blood a few times a day and hurts to the point of forming tears... Which can get awkward when you're by yourself at Trader Joe's! That's the only visible issue I think. But you know what, actually... it's happened enough times in the last two months that I'm kind of used to being more confidently transparent with strangers. Which I feel like has been helpful, to be honest about the struggle in a lighthearted way. It normalizes trials. (Hey! #normalizetrials! I'm joking but did I just make up a thing?! 😉 except I feel that we should add "with joy" because otherwise that hashtag would become a toxic tunnel of self absorbed whiners. #normalizetrialswithjoy, there we go!) Because life is hard for everyone. Not just me, not just orphans in Africa, not just foster kids, not just the wealthy people in the world who can't buy their happiness, and not just you, whoever you are and whatever burden you're bearing (or about to bear).

If the peace and joy that I have that only comes from The One True God, can point someone (anyone) who feels lost towards having this same hope and joy for themselves, well then... this very long (and possibly permanent) season of suffering would be worth it for me. I do miss kissing Caleb though. If you're a prayer, can you pray that my lip heals so I can kiss him again!? It's not a silly prayer. Kisses matter. 😘

Caleb and I started reading Randy Alcorn's Heaven this week and it has ministered to my soul in such a sweet way, and I had this realization...

I may never be a mother...

I may never be healthy again...

I may never have the life that I expected God to give me...

I may never live to be 30... or 40... or 50...

(or maybe those never's may never happen!)

And God is still GOOD?

God is still Good.

Earlier this week... I wanted to die---(Ok, ok I'm sorry to be dramatic! Correction: Heaven sounds really *incredible* and chronic pain really *isn't*.) After reading and speculating about heaven, and after a very long and painful day, I prayed that God would either heal me or take me home. I begged him not to give me a life of long-suffering at the extreme of others with cGVHD that I've seen. I prayed it as I sobbed uncontrollably in my bed, muffling my tears in my pillow, hoping I wouldn't wake Caleb (who was waking up at 4am that particular morning.) I prayed it over and over for hours. For nights on end. Life has been painful and physically exhausting which is emotionally exhausting. It is physically difficult to move my muscles to get out of bed. To move from my room to the kitchen and to go to the bathroom. It hurts to sit and it hurts to stand and it hurts to walk. I am only comfortable in one position, and that is when I'm laying on the couch sitting up with my legs relaxed in front of me. With my cute ferocious little pomeranian, Danger happily snuggling on my lap. I thought that I would start to feel better as time went on after my cancer treatment, but this past year or so I seem to only feel worse... I'm doing everything humanly possible to improve my quality of life and ability to function... and though my efforts may be toning down many symptoms, it's still hard to function.

And THEN I read Hebrews 12:1-2 "Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God. "

My health is a heavy WEIGHT that I carry around on my back. My sin CLINGS SO CLOSELY like an annoying fly that lingers by my food on a hot summer's day. That sin tempts me to want to throw in the towel. But Jesus WEPT in that garden the night before He was crucified. He SUFFERED. He asked God (with willingness and submission) to take that cup from Him, and I'll continue to ask God (with willingness and submission) to take this cup from me. And Jesus still died on that cross even though He didn't want to endure that. He still gave God honor and glory as He endured that trial that He didn't enjoy. And because of that devastating experience that Christ endured because of MY SIN... I have hope of eternal LIFE. So who am I to just give up on this life and these hard things that God has allowed me to endure, because I'm uncomfortable and in pain? I know I'm not the only one out there who’s in pain. But am I the only one out there who’s in this much pain, yet has this much hope? I hope not... 

If Jesus Christ can walk on this earth perfectly and suffer the ultimate long, painful, blood curdling pain SO THAT I HAVE THE OPTION to choose hope over this meaningless, sin-filled, cesspool crap-town of a depressing world, then I refuse to disrespect His name by giving up the hope that He paid for me with His own blood. Jesus didn't die so that I could live a comfortable life on earth, too preoccupied with all the pretty things to need Him. So that I could throw a tantrum when things didn't go my way. He died because He loved me (even though I didn't do anything to deserve it). So the LEAST I can do is endure through this hard life for His sake, like He did for me out of His pure undeserved love. Except I'm not capable of doing it perfectly like He did. So He did it perfectly for me. Then died in the most brutal, slow and painful way ever. Then He conquered death by resurrecting like it was prophesied thousands of years prior. It's pretty cool! And He's coming back soon. And I am so ready for it.

So if you'd like to pray, please pray for my health and for my heart. And for my sweet husband who never stops dying to himself for me (even without stomping his feet or slamming the door or rolling his eyes) and for everyone else he comes into contact with.

MORE SPECIFIC HEALTH PRAYER:

I started a brand new medication last month, it's the first official FDA approved medication for Chronic Graft vs Host disease, it was prescribed to me a few days after being approved last month. It's so new that there's really hardly any research done about it, not even any contraindications known if you google it. IF it's going to work for me, it'll start to kick in within the next week or two. If it works, it hypothetically would help ALL of my cGVHD symptoms Lord willing for as long as possible. And If it doesn't, the rest of my life will likely consist of chronic pain, fatigue and lots of endurance. And growth. And regardless, even still: God's goodness. As I'm writing this I'm laying on the couch with my adorable fluffy puppy snuggling in my lap, having trouble breathing and feel dizzy, but I'm comfortable. It's hard to even focus on writing and articulating thoughts when I feel this way, but I need to get them out. I need you, whoever you are to know exactly what gifts you've been given and to take the time to appreciate them. Or to know that you're not alone in your pains, but press on! Lets normalize trials with joy and be honest with others. Let's not minimize other people's pain. Your pain isn't invalid just because it's different then mine. ❤️

My sister reminded me today of Joni Erickson Tada. What a light she has been to so many... and I can only imagine that she probably had those dreams as a girl like I have and do. And God had a different plan for her... and she is so beautiful, so whole. Full of so much joy. I am no comparison to someone like Joni and all she's endured with such grace... but what we have in common is that our lives have not gone according to our plans, our lives have not been comfortable and they have been filled with physical and emotional pain. But we both have hope in so much more than our physical comfort. We have hope in the gospel.

This is what I'm preaching to myself:

ALL OF JAMES 1 ALL THE TIME

2 Corinthians 12:8-10 From Paul, who went through way more pain and persecution and trials than my tiny brain can ever comprehend. "Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong."

Hebrews 12:7-11 "It is for discipline that you have to endure. God is treating you as sons. For what son is there whom his father does not discipline? If you are left without discipline, in which all have participated, then you are illegitimate children and not sons. Besides this, we have had earthly fathers who disciplined us and we respected them. Shall we not much more be subject to the Father of spirits and live? For they disciplined us for a short time as it seemed best to them, but he disciplines us for our good, that we may share his holiness. For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it."

So in light of that Heavenly Father's disciplining love...

"Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or danger, or sword? For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord." -Romans 8:35, 38-39

“For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life. For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but in order that the world might be saved through him. Whoever believes in him is not condemned, but whoever does not believe is condemned already, because he has not believed in the name of the only Son of God. And this is the judgment: the light has come into the world, and people loved the darkness rather than the light because their works were evil. For everyone who does wicked things hates the light and does not come to the light, lest his works should be exposed. But whoever does what is true comes to the light, so that it may be clearly seen that his works have been carried out in God.” -John 3:16-21 

[anewhope4change-blog]

Social Media and Social Destruction

Society and american culture has always made a huge impression on culture and always will. The way we grow up, the way we have been taught, and the way we observe others to be. Allen Ginsberg in 1954, published “Howl,” a poem that impacted the literacy generation with the help of the Beat Generation. The Beat Generation was a literacy group that formed in the 1950s after World War. It was created to protect the american culture at the time and form a new cultural norm that fought against society. Jack Kerouac and Allen Ginsberg were the original founders of the group and later inherited William S. Burroughs, Gregory Corso, Lawrence Ferlinghetti, Neal Cassady, Carl Solomon, John Clellon Holmes, Joyce Johnson, Ken Kesey, Richard Brautigan, and Gary Synder. 

Ginsberg wanted to fight against cultural norm and form a group that did not fit in with the others. He wanted to break all ties with “correct” and “appropriate” literature. Ginsberg used “Howl” as a cry of protest against the literacy culture and write about topics nobody wanted to speak about. The story was written to a man named Carl Solomon, a man Ginsberg had met in a mental institution. Allen Ginsberg wrote this poem to start a protest and fight against capitalism where industries are owned by separate individuals. Ginsberg separated the poem into three sections to get his point across. 

The second part of the story was the most impactful section when Ginsberg compared Moloch, a biblical god, who was known as the “god of sacrifice.” The story behind Moloch was built around the idea of respect. Everyone believed they had to sacrifice everything to him for respect. The most popular sacrifice was children. Ginsberg says in this section, “Moloch! Solitude! Filth! Ugliness! Ashcans and unobtainable dollars! Children screaming under the stairways! Boys sobbing in armies! Old men weeping in the parks! Moloch! Moloch! Nightmare of Moloch! Moloch the loveless! Mental Moloch! Moloch the heavy judger of men! Moloch the incomprehensible prison! Moloch the crossbone soulless jailhouse and Congress of sorrows! Moloch whose buildings are judgment! Moloch the vast stone of war! Moloch the stunned governments! Moloch whose mind is pure machinery! Moloch whose blood is running money!” (Ginsberg 1957) Ginsberg is comparing sacrifices to industrial machines. Allen Ginsberg was trying to draw attention to everything we sacrifice to capitalism. His purpose was to highlight anger and pain in hopes to relate to others feeling the same way. 

Ginsberg was trying to express his hatred towards american culture and how the culture is shaping the world. The Beat Generation challenged society and the views society put onto the world. He describes the limitation of acceptance, love, and voice from the generation. The poem reads from visions of falling, cultural blindness, self destruction, total self darkness, and self isolation. Ginsberg’s purpose was to challenge the mainstream culture through darkness, mind captivity, and vulgarness. 

Howl inspired myself to fight against social media perfectionism. Social media sees humans as bait when it comes to accounts of body image and self love. Media is nothing but selfish for stealing our self worth and self respect. Ginsberg stood up against culture normalization and society destruction. Social media sets us up for social destruction. Instagram, snapchat, twitter, and so many more sites have sucked media users in overtime but how many can say they still have self worth? Self respect? How about self love? a weakness, ruining our society

Imprisonment to self image

Feelings of wanting to look and act to our standards

Makes you Want to measure up

Want to look a certain wayWant to be seen in a way

Want to be praised

Want to fit into everyone else’s box

Want to have depression

Want to have anxiety 

Want to have an eating disorder

Want to be defined by likes and follows

Want to live in fear of rejection

That is what we are for

We are Destroying society one post at a time

Kim Kardshian, Nicki Minaj, Cardi B, Kylie Jenner, Rosie O’Donnell, Anne Rice, Jennifer Aniston, Iggy Azalea, Bradley Cooper, Wayne Newton, Michael Jackson, Beyonce, Blake Lively, Gwen Stefani, Victoria Beckham

Setting a fine line between self love And barbie dreamhouse

Don’t you wanna look like them?Destroying mental health

Rising of insanity, to the thought of social destruction

Destroying of physical health

Gym memberships declining, grocery stores out of business

All because of Kim’s new post

We compare

Can’t help but despair Our world is full of imperfections

Full of Self rankings 

But that is what you want right?

Hate is everywhere, but we don’t see it

Self worth? Who needs it when you have likes

Morals? But what about your followers?

You are what? Sad? Delete that.

Depression? What is that?

Anxiety? You are fine

Bullying? Well....

You are addicted? well good! $$$$

Suck in, pose right

100 takes

Can NOT let them see you down

Only happiness gets shared

Struggling? Don’t show it

Hungry? Suck it up

Pimple? Put makeup over it

Not enough likes? Show more skin

Not enough followers? Buy them online

Finally Feeling not good enough? 

That's more like it!

Love, Instagram, Twitter, & Snapchat

This mantra was created out of pure hate for social media but also written by a hypocrite that would bend over backwards for anything posted online. Sure you can keep up with what your friends are doing and share what you are up to. But is posting maybe once a week worth the loss? Social media has taken over all of our society and will continue to spread and engross us more and more each day. Social media has formed boxes around society to act and look a certain way thanks to celebrities. Social media has stripped us from our self esteem and happiness. Before posting share, think of yourself for once. Self happiness over likes.

Works Cited:

Ginsberg, Allen. “Howl by Allen Ginsberg.” Poetry Foundation, Poetry Foundation, https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems/49303/howl.The Editors of Encyclopaedia Britannica. 

“Beat Movement.” Encyclopædia Britannica, Encyclopædia Britannica, Inc., 27 Feb. 2019, https://www.britannica.com/art/Beat-movement.

Parker, Sarah. “The Danger of Perfectionism in Social Media -.” Union Metrics, 28 Mar. 2017, https://unionmetrics.com/blog/2017/03/danger-perfectionism-social-media/.

Ehmke, Rachel, and Child Mind Institute. “How Using Social Media Affects Teenagers.” Child Mind Institute, https://childmind.org/article/how-using-social-media-affects-teenagers/. 

[sarahburness]

How Expectations Can Drive People Away and How to Let Go of Control

“I’m not in this world to live up to your expectations and you’re not in this world to live up to mine.” ~Bruce Lee

About five years ago, I had a falling out with a close friend. I was irritated because she didn’t do the things I thought she should and she didn’t give as much as I did. I felt I had been very generous with her, and I expected her to do the same. I felt she owed me.

My anger became unmanageable and started seeping into pretty much every interaction we had. She began cancelling dinner plans and camping trips. She wouldn’t call me back after days of me leaving a message. It happened out of nowhere, and of course everything was her fault.

Except that it didn’t. And it wasn’t.

Not too long ago, I was a bit of a control freak. I didn’t know it, of course, and I would have described myself as open-minded and easy going. In reality, I was tormented by my own expectations.

Since I was a child, I had an image in my head about who I was supposed to be. What my family was supposed to look like. What house I was supposed to live in. What career success was supposed to mean. That’s a lot of supposing! I had always assumed these expectations were my future.

I am an artist by trade, and in my art studio, I have many tools. Paintbrushes, sanders, stencil cutters, and paper punches fill shelves up to the ceiling. However, I tell people that the most important tools I use are flexibility of mind and a practice of not having expectations as to the outcome. This allows new and amazing techniques to be discovered and yields paintings that continuously surprise and delight me. I find these tools are useful outside of the art studio as well.

As time went on and distance grew between me and my friends, I began to feel enraged by her apparent apathy toward me and everything that I “had done for her.”

I thought to myself, “I would never treat anyone that way. How dare she do that to me?” and “After all I’ve given her, she should want to give back!” Every thought I had praised me for all the good deeds I had done and blamed her for ruining our friendship. I was the victim and she was the wrong doer.

One day, I sat down to enlighten her about how she had negatively impacted our relationship. Her reaction was horrifying to me. She said she was going to take a step back from our friendship.

I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. I mean, I was telling her how she could singlehandedly improve things. What was wrong with her that she didn’t understand that? We stopped speaking and I didn’t see her for a long time.

Then something life changing happened—sobriety. In the first year after I quit drinking, I learned a lot about myself and my need to control just about everything in order to meet my expectations.

I learned how my expectations of others (unexpressed, by the way, because “I shouldn’t have to say it!”) and the anger that followed when people didn’t act the way I thought they should, actually drove people away.

The entire time our friendship was breaking down, I thought that if she would just do the things I wanted her to do, not only would our friendship be fixed, but everyone involved would be better off. I knew better than she did. My way of living was better than hers. She, of course, ran away from me like I was on fire.

My need to control others was unfounded, unrealistic, and unattainable. It was a hard thing to admit that my way wasn’t better than her way and, in fact, people weren’t abandoning me. I was driving them to leave. I saw that other relationships in my life were also going down this path. I had to change.

One day after surfing, I went to sit on a bench overlooking the water. One of the “old guys” we surfed with, who lived across the street, came and talked with me as the sun was setting over the ocean and I was lamenting about the stresses in my life. He said one of the most important things anyone has ever said to me: “I don’t do stress. Stress is optional.”

WTF? How on earth does one not get stressed? Teach me, Oh Wise One. I thought deeply about this and about my issues with expectations and control. I needed control in order to meet my own expectations. When those expectations were not met, anxiety, anger and depression followed. Where does stress fit in?

The stress comes from trying to control actions that I think can bring my expectations to fruition. Have you ever seen the YouTube video of the zoo keeper trying to take a photo of all the baby pandas together? He expected a cute shot. All he got is a video of him trying to put baby pandas in a line, as one by one they continuously wandered off.

I know that’s kind of a cut and dry example, and life isn’t always cut and dry. However, the primary reason that I would get so pissed when my expectations were not met is rather simple: “My way is superior to everyone else’s way. How can people be so stupid and disrespectful?”

I don’t want to be an angry person. I don’t want to be unhappy with the people in my life. At some point, I realized that all of the control I was attempting to put on others was really me trying to make others meet my own expectations. That doesn’t work. Like ever. And it creates a huge amount of stress and frustration akin to trying keep baby pandas in line.

The real questions are: Who do I think I am? Why do I think I can control anything? What does it really matter if people are late, or my flight is cancelled, or my hat got lost when it flew off the top of the car.

Do these things affect my life? Sure, they can. Is it worth having an explosive hissy fit and making myself and everyone around me miserable? Uh, that would be a no. (Embarrassingly, the loss of that damn hat came close to ruining our evening.)

Advice from an Artist—Three Ways to Let Go:

1. Have zero expectations about how anything is going to turn out in the end.

It’s easier said than done, but if I went into the art studio expecting a certain painting to be created, I would be disappointed all the time. It’s so much easier to have an open mind and go with the flow.

This is also true when it comes to other people. By accepting the fact that people are not predictable, I am not attached to outcomes about how they “should” be.

 2. Stop trying to control everything.

My passion is creating, but I can’t always get in the studio to paint. And guess what? I don’t pitch a fit. I simply do what needs to be done to continue on.

For whatever reason, this is easy for me to apply to my business, and harder to apply to situations that involve people. I have to peel my fingers from the white-knuckle grip they have on how people should be and be okay with the possibility of “my way” not being an option. Perhaps somebody else has an awesome way I’ve never even thought of.

3. Be flexible and don’t be attached to outcomes.

I choose to open my mind to all the possibilities. In the studio, experimentation and the ability to adjust comes very easily. In life, not so much. Last minute changes in dinner plans aren’t going to kill me. When someone is “inconveniencing” me by wanting to meet at 8:00 instead of 6:30 I don’t get pissed anymore. I go for a hike because now I have time to.

Does that sound too simple? I don’t think it is.

My old friend and I have begun to repair our friendship. She moved away and I miss her dearly. We have talked about the past, but not in great detail. I try to show her that my thinking has changed and I don’t want anything from her but her friendship. It’s a hard thing to repair when you live far away but it’s mending little by little.

I no longer expect her or anyone to think like me. When I start feeling superior, I have to remember that I’m no better and no worse than any other person on the planet. I hope she forgives her wayward friend. At the time, I really thought that I was doing her a favor by showing her a better way to live. It was hard to realize that my ego was running the show.

When I’m working on a painting and I make a mark that I didn’t intend to, I don’t look at it as a “mistake.” I look at it as an opportunity to go down a road I may not have seen had it not been for that out of place mark. This is how I strive to live my life now. When a monkey wrench is thrown in, I put it in my back pocket figuring that a wrench may come in handy at some point.

And if it doesn’t, that’s okay. Just as with my art, I choose to live open-minded to all experiences. Also, just like my paintings, life isn’t only made up of straight lines. There are twists, turns, and interruptions. The question I must ask myself is, do I want to put up a fight whenever something unexpected happens, or go with the flow and gracefully see where this new road leads.?

We can’t control other people and situations. But we can choose to set expectations aside and not put so much emphasis on how things are going to end up. After all, it truly is about the journey. And the destination? Well, sometimes the most beautiful views are the ones that we stumble upon unexpectedly, while on the way to where we’re “supposed” to be.

About Marigny Goodyear

Marigny Goodyear is an artist, living and working in Talent, Oregon with her husband, Goody and daughter, Nora.   She plays in Crescent City, California where the ocean keeps her strong and inspired and often visits her hometown of New Orleans (also nicknamed The Crescent City), where the rhythm of her heartbeat is renewed. Visit her at marignygoodyearart.com and follow her on Facebook and Instagram.

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